This is my first Valentines Day all to myself
I went to bed last night so excited for Valentines Day this year. I have been so blessed in my life to have amazing and extraordinary Valentine Days. From a young age I have been allowed to dream, believe and value romance. Valentines Day has always been such an awareness to me that I know incredible men who are loving, respectful and expressive. For the first time in my life I am experiencing myself.
Last Valentines Day my boyfriend and I didn't even celebrate. We were with his family and so there was no romance, flowers etc.... I remember thinking that for the first time in my life I didn't recieve flowers on Valentines Day. Even on my mission I got flowers...What the .....;) Surprisingly though I was okay. All I cared about was that I was spending time with someone that I loved and he loved me.
This year however, I was speaking with my Father right before a date and he said "Now Kristi Ann, you need to find out if you like this young man and if you do you need to tell him that he MUST make plans to spoil you on Valentines Day because if not, you will end up allowing yourself to spend the evening with someone you do not truly see yourself with and you'll allow yourself to believe that flowers, chocolates and an expensive dinner means that you are of worth. Don't do that to yourself, Honey. Allow yourself to be with who you want to be with and if you can't then don't be with anyone."
I love my Dad! His words really hit me hard. I allowed myself to take some time to think back on past Valentine Days. I realized that he is right. I did want to find out if I liked that guy or not but I felt confident enough that there was no way in hell that he was going to ask me out for Valentines Day. The older they get, the slower they move. lol So, I woke up this morning very excited to experience whatever emotions would be coming my way as I experienced today by myself.
I woke up this morning around 4am to wonderful text messages. Again, I know incredible men and I am so grateful for their friendship, love and care. By the time I got out of bed I was running to the bathroom incredibly sick....I was sick all morning. I was determined however to have a good Valentines day. So, when I was finally able to keep a little food down, I decided to go take a breath of fresh air. I took my car as high as roads would allow me up provo canyon and then I hiked up until I could see the sun setting over the mountians and the lake.
As I was up there with my binoculars, scriptures, journal and camera I realized something flutter inside my heart that gave me validation. Today I was searching within myself for a confidence to be able to hope for truth, honesty, goodness and love within another person but what I realized is that it had been so long since I felt all those things towards myself. I told myself truths like: "I have allowed myself to look for love in the wrong places." I was honest with myself by saying "I cannot allow myself to let someone treat me like I am not worth being honest to." I allowed myself to believe that thanks to recent interaction with someone (not to mention names) I believe that goodness does exist in men today and there are still some men out there who are still attracted to goodness- so I do not have to worry about guys thinking about whether or not I am a good person. Its okay to be good. I also had to tell myself "Kristi, it is okay to love." If you are reading this blog then you know that I naturally love people. Unfortunately sometimes my heart gets hurt too much and sometimes it wants to give up helping that one student, or forgiving over and over that one guy or trying to make peace with those who are hard to get along with. I use to tell my missionaries at the MTC " You MUST wear your heart on your sleeve. Give your heart to everyone you come in contact with." I still believe that Love is pure and worth while.
Today I came down off of that mountian satisfied with myself and believing more so than I have in years that I have what it takes to allow myself to fall in love with not just a talented person, attractive person or fun but a good person who knows himself, who takes the time to learn what he has to offer and who believes in love . Until then, I need to be picky.
To the Men:
To those sweethearts who have been so wonderful to ask me out through out the years....Thank you. To those who I have dated and we decided to take a break....thank you for allowing yourself to care for me. To those attractive men who are always there to flirt with, go have a crazy time with and make memories with...thank you for making life interesting. For those who I have sincerely dated and we have gone our separate ways...thank you for teaching me more about love. Now finally, to those who asked me out for today, I am sorry. I do not mean to be hurtful but I need to be truthful to myself. And last but not least to the few I have not yet met or to those who I have and I am wondering if you feel a similar connection that I do....please don't give up! Please believe that I am coming around. I am realizing that I am ready =)
Happy Valentines Day! xoxo
